IDENTITY

THE SEARCH FOR MY TRUE IDENTITY

LIKE I MENTIONED IN THIS BLOG POSTWE NEED TO LIVE IN OUR TRUE IDENTITY IN CHRIST.

MY SEARCH (AND CONTINUED GROWTH) FOR MY TRUE IDENTITY HAS BEEN ROUGH YET REWARDING IN HINDSIGHT.

I’VE ALLOWED OTHER PEOPLE, RELATIONSHIPS, CHURCH, ETC. DEFINE ME AND TELL ME WHO I WAS.

I REALIZED ONE DAY THAT I WAS STILL SEARCHING FOR MY TRUE IDENTITY EVEN THOUGH I WAS A BELIEVER IN JESUS.

CONFUSION GRIPPED MY HEART AND TOOK OVER MY ENTIRE BEING, AND I KNEW SOMETHING HAD TO CHANGE.

LET’S TALK ABOUT WHAT I LEARNED IN MY SEARCH FOR MY TRUE IDENTITY.

MY TRUE IDENTITY IS NOT

AS A TEENAGER, I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT MY IDENTITY WAS SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE CRUCIAL TO EVERY MOVE IN MY LIFE.

I NEVER CONSIDERED “WHO AM I?” UNTIL AFTER I WAS STARTING TO REALIZE WHO I WASN’T.

I HAD GONE THROUGH A FEW RELATIONSHIPS. 

MY IDENTITY IN THOSE RELATIONSHIPS WAS A GIRL SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE TO GIVE AWAY ALL OF HER LOVE WITH NO REGARD OR RESPECT FOR HERSELF. 

I ALLOWED THE MISTREATMENT OF THESE BOYS TO DEFINE ME AND EVERY ACTION.

MY TRUE IDENTITY WASN’T A “GOOD GIRLFRIEND”.

THAT WAS JUST THE ROLE I ALLOWED MYSELF TO PLAY FOR A WHILE.

I HAD OTHER ROLES AS WELL.

THE ROLES I WAS GIVEN BY MY FAMILY AT ONE POINT BECAME MY ASSUMED IDENTITY.

THE “GOOD ONE”, “UPPITY”, “SAFE”, “BORING” ONE.

I WAS TRYING MY HARDEST TO BE THE “GOOD ONE” BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO DO ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

“SAFE” BECAUSE I WASN’T A RULE BREAKER.

I WAS DEFINED AS THAT KIND OF PERSON, THEREFORE I CAME OFF AS BORING.

I LAUGH BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE ROLES I PLAYED IN MY FAMILY, BUT LUCKILY MY FAMILY DOESN’T DEFINE ME, NOR DO THOSE WORDS.

THE FACTUAL ROLES I HAVE IN MY FAMILY ARE SISTER, DAUGHTER, AUNT, WIFE, GRANDDAUGHTER, AND COUSIN.

AND STILL, THOSE ARE JUST ROLES, NOT MY TRUE IDENTITY.

IN MY WORKPLACE OR SCHOOLING, I’VE ALWAYS TRIED TO BE THE PERFECTIONIST.

I ALLOWED THE WORD PERFECTIONIST TO DEFINE ME, AND I (STILL STRUGGLE) EMBRACED IT CLOSELY. 

LITTLE BY LITTLE, I’VE HAD TO LET GO OF EVEN THAT DEFINITION I’VE PUT ON MYSELF.

IT DOESN’T MATTER IF I TRY TO BE THE “GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL” THAT DOESN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

I CAN DO EVERYTHING THAT “LOOKS GOOD”, BUT STILL THAT’S NOT MY TRUE IDENTITY.

MY TRUE IDENTITY LIES IN CHRIST AND EVERYTHING HE DID SO THAT I DIDN’T HAVE TO SHAPE MYSELF TO FIT THE MOLD OF THESE OPINIONS OR FALSE IDENTITIES FROM OTHERS.

“DON’T LET PEOPLE GIVE YOU YOUR IDENTITY”

I HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A GIRL ONE TIME, AND SOMETHING SHE TOLD ME HAS STUCK WITH ME FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS NOW.

SHE SAID, “DON’T EVER LET ANYONE ELSE BUT JESUS DEFINE YOU. YOUR IDENTITY ISN’T IN GUYS, BUT IT’S IN JESUS AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.”

EVEN THOUGH SHE TOLD ME THIS, I STILL CONTINUED IN MY SEARCH TO BE DEFINED.

I CONTINUED IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT WERE JUST RELATIONS WITH GUYS WHO WERE UNCERTAIN OF THEIR OWN IDENTITY IN CHRIST.

EVERYTHING THAT THESE BOYS WERE TELLING ME ABOUT MYSELF, I WAS BELIEVING, ACCEPTING, AND TRUSTING.

COLLECTIVELY IN ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS, I WAS TOO THICK, WEAK, NOT FASHIONABLE ENOUGH, NOT HEALTHY ENOUGH, NOT STRONG ENOUGH, TOO DEPENDENT ON OTHERS, AN OBJECT FOR THEIR USE, DISPENSABLE, UNWORTHY, TOO AMERICANIZED, ASIDE PIECE, AND THE LIST GOES ON.

I BELIEVED THESE THINGS (AND OTHER NAMES) AND THAT BELIEF CAUSED ME TO GO INTO A 3 MONTH DEPRESSION.

AT THE VERY END OF THIS DEPRESSION, A SPIRITUAL BATTLE WENT ON INSIDE ME.

THIS IS SUPER HARD TO EXPLAIN BECAUSE IT WAS BEYOND MY EXPLANATION.

I LAID ON MY BED AND WITHIN MY BEING, I COULD HEAR ALL OF THE THINGS THAT WERE WRONG WITH ME.

THESE WORDS WERE WORDS THAT THE DEVIL WAS THROWING AT ME AND TRYING TO GET ME TO BELIEVE.

AS I BEGAN TO BELIEVE THEM, GOD WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY BEING COVERING THOSE LIES WITH THE TRUTHS OF WHO I AM IN HIS EYES.

I AM WORTHY, I AM PURE, I AM IMPORTANT, I AM SAFE, I AM STRONG, I AM CAPABLE, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I’M NOT DISPENSABLE, I’M NOT AN OBJECT, I’M SO UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED BY GOD, I AM CHOSEN, I’M HIS PRINCESS, I’M HIS.

AFTER I UNDERSTOOD MY TRUE IDENTITY

THERE’S A LOT MORE TO THAT STORY (WHICH I PLAN ON SHARING IN A BOOK SOON), BUT THE FACT WAS, GOD, PULLED ME OUT OF THAT DEPRESSION.

HE PULLED ME OUT WITH A CONFIDENCE AND STRENGTH THAT I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO IGNORE.

DO I STILL STRUGGLE WITH MY TRUE IDENTITY?

OF COURSE!

BUT I’M ABLE TO COMBAT THOSE LIES AND DOUBTS WITH THE TRUTH OF WHO GOD SAYS I AM.

I HAVE HOPE THAT NO MATTER WHAT I GO THROUGH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I AM GOD’S AND THAT’S FINAL!

I UNDERSTOOD GRACE IN A DEEPER AND MORE INTIMATE WAY.

GOD WAS FIGHTING FOR ME IN MY HIGHS AND LOWS, AND I COULD 100% TRUST HIM.

THE WORDS OF MEN AND THE WORLD COULD GO TO HELL (WHERE THEY CAME FROM), AND I COULD REMEMBER WHO MY GOD IS AND WHAT HE SAYS ABOUT ME.

MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE LOVE GOD HAD TO OFFER BECAME SO PROFOUND AND SO MUCH SIMPLER THAN I HAD SEEN IT BEFORE.

I WAS ABLE TO TRUST AND BELIEVE THAT GOD GAVE ME MY IDENTITY THROUGH CHRIST WHEN I ACCEPTED HIM AS MY SAVIOR YEARS AGO.

FINALLY, THE THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS OF OTHERS DIDN’T AFFECT ME AS MUCH AS BEFORE.

I’M NOT GONNA LIE AND SAY THEY DON’T HURT SOMETIMES (BECAUSE THEY DO), BUT IT’S EASIER TO LET THEM ROLL OF A LITTLE BIT QUICKER THAN BEFORE.

THE PLACE I’M IN RIGHT NOW IS A PLACE OF FALLING IN LOVE WITH GOD.

HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT TO KNOW WHO THIS GOD IS THAT LOVES YOU DESPITE ALL OF THE FLAWS PEOPLE POINT OUT?

THIS IS WHERE I’M AT IN MY SEARCH FOR MY TRUE IDENTITY TODAY…

  • I DAILY STRUGGLE WITH PERFECTION. I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT THINGS I DO AND SAY WON’T ALWAYS BE PERFECT, BUT THE MORE I CLING TO GOD’S WORD AND WALK WITH HIM, THE LESS LIKELY I’LL FEEL PRESSURED TO BE PERFECT.
  • I STRUGGLE WITH BOUTS OF DEPRESSION. THIS IS YET AGAIN, SOMETHING THAT COMES IN AND OUT OF MY LIFE. SOMETIMES IT DOES GET THE BEST OF ME, BUT I REALIZE THAT HALF THE TIME, GOD JUST WANTS ME TO GET OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE AND BE WITH HIM.
  • I’M 100% DEPENDENT ON GOD TO DEFINE ME. THIS IS A WEAKNESS THAT I’VE ACCEPTED AND PROUDLY EMBRACE. IF I LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING DEFINE ME IN ANY WAY, THAT MEANS I’VE GIVEN OTHERS THE REIGNS TO GIVE ME MY IDENTITY.
  • IT TAKES CONSTANT GROWTH AND EFFORT TO REMIND MYSELF OF WHO I AM. BEING IN THE WORD DAILY  HAS HELPED ME STAY CONSISTENT IN REMEMBERING THAT SEARCHING FOR MY IDENTITY IN CHRIST IS CONSTANT. IT’S GROWTH, IT’S PAINFUL, IT’S BEAUTIFUL AND IT’S DISCIPLINE BEING PRACTICED ALL OF THE TIME.
  • I’M ABLE TO LIVE MY PURPOSE FREELY THROUGH UNDERSTANDING MY IDENTITY. THIS! NOW THAT I KNOW THAT I DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING GOOD OR RIGHT IN MY STRENGTH AND WISDOM, I’M FREE TO LIVE THE PURPOSE GOD HAS GIVEN ME. I’M NOT STRIVING FOR PERFECTION OR MONEY, I’M STRIVING TO GET THE MESSAGE OF THE GOSPEL TO OTHERS. IT’S KINGDOM WORK I’M DOING. IT’S KINGDOM BAGS I’M WORKING TOWARD THROUGH WHAT THE KINGDOM BUILDER IS CALLING ME TO DO.
  • DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I DO, IT MATTERS THAT I CLING TO AND SPEND TIME WITH THE ONE WHO GIVES ME MY IDENTITY. WHAT MATTERS MOST IS MY UNDERSTANDING OF MY IMPERFECTIONS AND DOWNFALLS AND HANDING THEM OVER TO A PERFECT GOD BY SPENDING TIME WITH HIM DAILY AND HEARING WHAT HE HAS TO SAY.
  • THAT’S WHERE KINGDOM BUILDING IS DONE. KINGDOM WORK CAN BEGIN WHEN WE STEP INTO THE TRUE IDENTITY WE HAVE IN CHRIST.
DO YOU WANT TO FIND OUT YOUR TRUE IDENTITY? I DID TOO. HERE'S MY STORY OF MY SEARCH FOR MY TRUE IDENTITY AND WHERE I'M AT TODAY IN MY SEARCH
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