When I was in a specific relationship, I was seriously brainwashed into thinking that love was based off of how I looked, the shape I was in, the clothes I wore, the food I ate, and the person I was with. I can’t say I never was able to do what I wanted to, but I became someone that I never was. I was manipulated into thinking that if I was only “that much better looking” I would be worthy of love. I was manipulated into thinking that “sexy” was wearing the most fashionable clothing and having the nicest looking hair.
When I look back at who I was, I think of the guy I spent a whole year and a half trying to convince that I was good enough for. I wore what he picked out and bought for me. I went to a school in a different state clear across America for 6 weeks to become learn skills that he was advanced in. I quit my job because I was “too good” to be sitting in an office day after day. I instead went on to work in his business doing major labor. Ontop of the high intensity of the job, I was required to go to a high intensity gym in order to stay in the shape he wanted me to be in.
No none of this was necessarily bad, but when I look back on it, it wasn’t what I wanted to do or who I wanted to become. I was simply following what he demanded of me “or else” we would break up. GOD FORBID THAT HAPPEN!
In my mind though (and specifically from his mouth), I would never find anyone better than him. I wouldn’t be anything better than who I was with him. I literally thought that I couldn’t carry on in life without him being with me forever. I think about this and my heart breaks for myself back then. I really allowed this man to take full control of my mind and therefore he was in full control of my entire life. Of course there were days when I was grateful for it, but now looking back in hind sight, I was so desperate to be loved by anyone at that point in my life, that he was “everything” I was apparently looking for. He knew that I was vulnerable, naive, and looking for that “bad boy” and OH was he a bad boy. BUT he was too bad. I was living a life to satisfy every one of his needs.
He wanted me to submit to him in ways that I can never imagine of submitting to a man. Was I all for it when it was discussed between he and I? HECK YEAH! Why wouldn’t I agree to what he requested from me? I NEEDED HIM!
We had a conversation about “when we get married”, and he said that I better be positive about it because he would expect me to meet his needs whenever he demanded. Was it an over exaggeration? I won’t ever know. But I agreed and told him it wouldn’t be an issue. WHO AGREES TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? WHY DID I? Because I knew that if I didn’t, he would go “find someone better” than me, and I wasn’t going to be having any of that.
I found some picture that I unfortunately forgot to delete just recently, and it was a picture of him. I looked at his eyes, and there was so much hatred, anger and annoyance in his look at me. It’s been almost 5 years now, but my heart hurt because I once loved that guy unconditionally. I was devoted to this man that looked at me as though I were just an item, a thing, a product to be disposed of at any moment.
There was one time where we were supposed to break up. We were talking and he told me that he couldn’t be with me because I was weak. I was weak minded, I didn’t stand up for myself and I was desperate. Just typing those words out bring back so much pain when he told me that with no sympathy, no remorse, no expression in his face. How can someone tell another person this kind of thing without any apologies after seeing the hurt they just caused?
Don’t Give Up on Yourself
LOOK, no woman or man should ever feel the way I did. Many people don’t consider this abuse. Let me tell you, it is full on abuse. Abuse to who you are as God’s creation and adored child! If someone is telling you that you are not enough as you are, YOU ARE BEING PSYCHOLOGICALLY ABUSED! GET OUT NOW! You are worth more than that, you matter, you are wonderful the way you are. God calls the shots, not this other human being who needs Jesus more than the next person.
Don’t be brainwashed into thinking that you aren’t enough. You ARE enough! Get out of the situaion, grow in wisdom and strength and carry on with your bad self! God’s got great plans! Carry on now!